The Office
by BandGeek99
Summary: Random one-shots about the goings-on in Roy Mustang's unit's office. Chapter 2: Office Party. Starring... Hawkeye! Fuery! Breda! Havoc! Falman! Edward! Alphonse! Ross and Bloch! and Colonel Mustang! Hinted Royai and Edwin later on.
1. Hawkeye's Japanese Flag Day

The Office – by BandGeek99

**Written to honor the members of the Mustang unit… :D Enjoy guys!**

_**cue inspirational piano music… then add guitar… drums… harmonica… and finish.**_

It was the average day in East City headquarters. Despite the overcast weather, business carried on as usual. Children played outside in schoolyards, university students slaved away in classrooms, and military personnel patrolled the streets, greeting the civilians pleasantly as they passed.

Master Sergeant Kain Fuery was the exception to the content and normalcy of the day.

What started as an average day for him hastily took a turn for the worse when he saw First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye approach headquarters on the street, her hair a downright mess, her clothes extremely wrinkled, and a scowl on her face.

"Morning, Lt," he said with a wave. It was unusual for her to look like a mess when she came to work, but he supposed that maybe she was just having a rough morning.

"Shut up and get to work, Fuery," she snapped, glaring daggers at him as she shrugged off her heavy black overcoat.

"Y-yes sir."

"Ma'am! MA'AM!" Hawkeye shrieked, slamming the door to the office behind her. "I'm not a stupid sexist pig! I'm a woman! A _woman_, damnit! Don't know why the bastards in this place keep calling me sir…" She trailed off and began muttering darkly to herself while Fuery gulped and took a seat at his desk.

"Morning, sirs," Heymans Breda called as he threw the door open and marched into the office.

"Good morning, Lieutenant," Fuery said politely with a nod.

"I'm not a sir," Hawkeye muttered.

Breda gave the female officer a startled look before heading over to his desk. "What's eating her?" he whispered to the dark-haired young man as he hung his coat over the back of his chair.

"Dunno. Bad day?" Kain suggested with an innocent shrug, picking up a stack of paperwork that had to be done.

Breda shrugged in response and sighed at the ever-growing stacks of paper littering his desk. "Think there's some way I could burn this stuff without her knowing?" he inquired a little too loudly.

A bullet whizzed past his ear.

"I-I take that as a no…" he gulped almost silently before turning his gaze to the evil piles of papers.

Warrant Officer Vato Falman's appearance in the office was silent, except with a quiet exchange of "good mornings". Hawkeye's mood seemed to have improved drastically until Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc appeared, nearly late, with a cup of joe in one hand and an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

"Gooood morning, everyone," he sang cheerily, grinning as he swiftly set down his coffee on his desk and whipped off his coat simultaneously. "And how are you all today?"

"Doing okay, thank you, sir. How 'bout you?"

"Yeah, you seem to be in a good mood today. What are _you_ on?"

"Men…"

"I have a new girlfriend!" Havoc sang, pulling out a lighter from the pocket of his uniform and clicking it. "She's great, real pretty, too. Long brown hair, really curly, big brown eyes, pale, D-cups… The whole shebang."

Hawkeye visibly twitched.

"Dude! How's her ass?"

"Eh, average. Not much of an ass man myself, but she's real pretty, and a hell of a lot nicer than most of the girls I've dated. Really fun, too. We went bowling with a couple of her friends, and she decided that she didn't want to loose, so she dumped a plate of nachos over this guy Robert's head." Havoc grinned even wider as he lit the cigarette and took a deep breath before exhaling, puffing a small smoke ring that expanded and disappeared as he dropped into his chair.

"Well, it's good that you like her for who she is, not just her body," Fuery said diplomatically with a small laugh as he signed his name on his eighth piece of paperwork.

"Yeah, well, her body has something to do with it. I mean, those jugs…" Havoc gave a low whistle.

Hawkeye slammed her fist down onto her desk.

"I just hope that the Colonel doesn't get to her this time," the male lieutenant said with a laugh. More smoke escaped his mouth as he began on his daily workload as well.

The smoky haze got worse and worse as the hour wore on, and around nine, Hawkeye finally snapped. She stood up hastily, sending her chair careening backwards, as she whipped out her gun, cocking it. "Lieutenant Havoc," she said coldly. "Put. Out. The coffin nail. Or I _will _shoot."

Havoc gulped, doing as he was told.

"Hand over _all_ of them," she demanded, holding out her arm as she strode towards him.

"A-all of them?" Havoc whimpered, staring at her with wide eyes. "But… how come?!"

"Because you're slowly killing us all with that awful habit. I'm _done_ with you. Hand. Them. Over." She held up her gun higher, high enough that if she fired, a bullet would sail straight into her co-worker's forehead. "Or else."

Havoc took a deep breath and the other three men watched in wonder as he forked over his treasured cigarettes.

"Thank you," Hawkeye said stiffly, and then approached the window as she slid her gun back into its holster. She grunted as she lifted the ancient window open and tossed the fags out onto the sidewalk.

Jean's lower lip quivered violently as he watched the small carton fall, almost as if in slow motion. "My… my friends…"

Breda grinned, Feury smirked (which was unusual for him), and even Falman had to laugh at the Lieutenant's predicament.

Work went on silently as usual until Mustang finally swaggered into the office around ten. His hair was messy, as it normally was, and he wore a wide smirk on his face. "Morning, gentlemen, Lieutenant Hawkeye. Lovely morning, isn't it?"

Hawkeye glared up at him from her desk menacingly. "You're late, sir. _Very_ late."

"Ah, yes, sorry about that, Riza," he said with a nonchalant laugh as he headed towards his desk. "I had a date last night, things got a little distracting, I lost track of time…"

Tears welled up in the blonde lieutenant's eyes as she fumbled for her gun. "G-get to work s-sir…" she said weepily. "Or I'll shoot!"

"Whoot! Way to go, sir!" Breda cheered almost simultaneously.

"How far did you get?" Havoc asked excitedly.

Hawkeye looked like she couldn't take any more of it. She fired a warning shot into the ceiling. "ENOUGH!" she screamed loudly, standing and knocking her chair over again.

The men complied.

"Get. To. Work. Now."

There was absolute silence in the office.

The second that Riza left for her lunch break, Fuery turned to the other, slightly older men around him. "What's wrong, do you think?"

"Her good friend Tom is visiting," Falman decided, still focusing on his paperwork. "Her mood fits perfectly."

"Tom?" Kain looked confused for a moment before recognition dawned on him. "Oh. _Oh._"

Yes, it was true. Riza Hawkeye, the trigger-happy sniper lieutenant from East City, was having her period.

**Pointless little look into the everyday life of the office characters. I've read stories where Winry gets her period, but never Hawkeye, so I decided to take that and exaggerate it.**

**The whole "disheveled in the morning" thing has nothing to do with anything, other to accentuate the fact that she is in extreme pain, is irritable, and feels like crap.**

**Anyway. This will be updated somewhat sporadically, mostly when I have free time and need to channel my energy. Many bets and Havoc and Breda antics will be included :) Please give me any ideas you have by pressing that GORGEOUS green-and-white button that says "Review" right under this!!**

**Thank you so much for reading!**

**--BANDGEEK**


	2. Office Party

**Hey, everyone! I've decided to update (finally) with an excellent chapter featuring a song by the Arrogant Worms. It's called "The Happy Happy Birthday Song" and it's on the album "C'est Cheese". Best. Song. Ever.**

**I'm sorry that my updating has been nonexistant this summer. I have been grounded for not turning in assignments for Bio and Geometry (in my defense, my bio teacher never told me when I had missed work during absences and expected me to be psychic. Bitch.) so I hope that this update will satisfy some of you... At least a little bit...**

**If you saw How To Train Your Dragon, and are somewhat curious to see what may be in a crossover with that and FMA, please... just check out Metal Men... I need soooo much critique on that story its ridiculous...**

**Thank you so much for reading, darling readers! I love you all. (Yes, in that way that just makes it awkward. ;3) Reviews are appreciated, however, they are not necessary. Suggestions for future chapters are also totally welcome!  
**

**If I owned FMA... Seriously, would I be writing these? No. They'd already be in the story, silly!**

**Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 2

Office Party

For once since they had been moved to Central, Roy Mustang's unit was completely silent as they somehow diligently did all of their paperwork. The incident with Hawkeye a week ago still had them reeling and the four men kept sneaking side glances at her, as if trying to make sure she wasn't going to implode.

"Good morning, boys, Lieutenant," Mustang said, throwing open the door and striding in. His face was adorned with a goofy grin and he had a certain skip in his step, causing Falman, Breda, Feury, and Havoc to exchange puzzled glances.

"You're late today, sir," Hawkeye said, cocking a thin eyebrow at her superior.

"My apologies, Lieutenant. But can't the birthday boy sleep in on his big day?" The Colonel grinned goofily.

"Ordinarily, sir, I wouldn't deem it much of a problem. However, you _have_ been sleeping in for the past five years I've worked under you. Your present is on your desk; happy birthday."

"Thank you, Riza," the man said with a chipper smile, trotting over to his desk and plopping down. He picked up a small package addressed to him and read the note that was attached. A blush crossed his fair face and he gawked at Hawkeye after he read the note.

She gave him a coy wink and a smirk before returning to her paperwork, smile still firmly in place.

Mustang shook his head fervently to get the blush on his face to calm down and tucked the gift into a drawer on his desk. He then turned to the stack of paperwork that had been waiting for him for a good two hours and frowned. How he _loathed_ paperwork!

Hours quietly passed, interrupted only by the sound of music on the small hand-held radio that Havoc kept on his desk to listen to and by the occasional officer poking his head in to say, "happy birthday" to the colonel.

When Roy finally left for lunch around one, though, things started to change. The second he was out of sight and heading towards a café downtown, a hodgepodge of soldiers including Maria Ross, Denny Bloch, Maes Hughes, and even fourteen-year-old Edward and thirteen-year-old Alphonse Elric, with the help of Mustang's team, began to unfold a scheme that had sat dormant for months.

Alphonse was in charge of streamers and gleefully went to town, hanging them up everywhere he could find a place to tie them. Edward started hiding gifts in a corner someplace with the help of one of the sergeants who'd come to help out, Hawkeye and Ross ordered Bloch around to finish icing the cake, and Hughes was… well, he was snapping photos, like he did every second of every day.

Within an hour, Mustang's office was unrecognizable beneath the streamers, balloons, and all manner of party decorations. And of course, heaps of food and beer that Breda had already gotten into.

As soon as the Colonel entered the building again, one of the secretaries at the front desks called the office to inform the (increasingly large) group of military members that they had two and a half minutes to get everything in order.

The group silenced and waited with baited breath for the second that Mustang would open the door.

Footsteps grew closer and closer. The door opened. Soldiers screamed.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COLONEL!"

Roy Mustang looked a little bewildered at the group of well-wishers. "Whuh?" was his intelligent response as he backtracked slightly, stepping out of the crowded office.

Fuery was grinning like an idiot, Falman was hiding in the corner with a book, not really interested in parties, Breda was well on his way to being drunk, and Havoc was… Nobody was really sure where Havoc was.

Mustang was overwhelmed with the people, but he grinned and took it all with good grace. After all, it wasn't every day you turned twenty-seven. _Oh, jeez, that makes me feel old,_ he mused.

There was a loud, obnoxious, "ahem!" from the back of the office and Mustang turned, seeing the adolescent midget grinning stupidly with his arms folded across his chest. "Happy birthday, Mustang!" he called.

"Thanks, Fullmetal," the colonel called back, curious to see what the teenager's next move would be.

"Here's a little gift from me to you," he said with a trademark evil smirk. "Havoc, if you please."

Havoc was finally spotted behind Edward with what looked like a banjo in his hands. His cigarette hung limply from his lips and he smiled widely. He began playing said banjo and Mustang was throroughly amused. What the Hell kind of present was a guy with a banjo and a kid with a short complex?

And then, Edward opened his mouth.

_"Once a year we celebrate  
With stupid hats and plastic plates  
The fact that you were able to make  
Another trip around the sun._

_"And the whole clan gathers round  
And gifts and laughter do abound  
And we let out a joyful sound  
And sing that stupid song."_

"You're kidding me," Mustang muttered, his jaw slackening as Edward gleefully dropped to his rear on the desk and kicked his legs back and forth, smiling as though he'd just won the lottery.

_"Happy birthday!  
Now you're one year older!  
Happy birthday!  
Your life still isn't over!  
Happy birthday!  
You did not accomplish much…"_

At this, Mustang twitched.

_"But you didn't die this year,  
I guess that's good enough._

_"So let's drink to your fading health  
And hope you don't remind yourself  
The chance of finding fame and wealth  
Decrease with every year._

_"Does it feel like you're doing laps  
And eating food and taking naps  
And hoping that someday perhaps  
Your life will hold some cheer?"_

At this point, Havoc, Falman, Fuery, and even a slightly-tipsy Breda joined in, the latter three throwing their arms around each other and swaying idiotically.

_"Happy birthday!  
What have you done that matters?  
Happy birthday!  
You're starting to get fatter  
Happy birthday!  
It's downhill from now on.  
Try not to remind yourself  
Your best years are all gone."_

Ohh, he was going to torch his subordinates to a crisp. They would be burnt crispier than bacon left too long on the griddle. Mustang resisted the urge to snap then and there and blow the entire room to smithereens.

_"If cryogenics were all free  
Then you could live like Walt Disney  
And live for all eternity  
Inside a block of ice._

_"But instead your time is set  
This is the only life you get  
And though it hasn't ended yet  
Sometimes you wish it might."_

At this point, Hughes decided to sing along with the others, snapping photographs every once in a while of Havoc's banjo-plucking and Mustang's hysterical facial expressions.

_"Happy birthday!  
You wish you had more money.  
Happy birthday!  
Your life's so sad it's funny.  
Happy birthday!  
How much more can you take?  
But your friends are hungry  
So just cut the stupid cake!_

_Happy birthday!  
Happy birthday!  
Happy birthday, dear..."_

The song ended slightly abruptly with all six of the singing males shouting out names, none of which even _sounded_ like Roy's. The Flame was pretty sure he caught the names Bill, Ralph, and, for whatever reason, "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo".

Edward's Cheshire smile grew wider and he said, "Happy birthday, you old geezer."

With a single snap, Edward found himself scorched nearly beyond recognition. A fortnight's stay in the hospital, though, was well-worth the look on the Colonel's face during the song. Definitely well-worth it.


End file.
